Pregnancy symptoms: If you talk to me on a daily basis, you are tired of hearing about them.
Sorry, cow jumping over the moon.
So far, I’ve been pretty cynical about this whole thing; I haven’t exactly had a fun bout with procreation. But I decided this should be regarded in light of its comedic potential. “If you don’t laugh at it during the day, you wake up crying and begging God to make it stop in the middle of the night.”* This is my new motto, maybe.
My realization that I am a hilarious bumbling cow came the other night when I was in the bathtub and drained out all the water before I stood up. Ha. Rookie mistake. Your body feels about 40 times lighter when it’s submerged in water, so as the water drains, you actually feel yourself gaining weight. You try to haul your body out of the slippery 2-foot-tall prison, which laughs in your face as you silently beg your husband to not walk in to see you squirm around like a wet baby seal who ate a softball and is tummy-up on the beach, unable to right itself and uncomfortably regretting the decisions it has made. Ahhhhh, motherhood, making me write a blog post from the bath tub. Just kidding. Probably.
A little less funny: My back hurts. Badly. Pregnancy compounds scoliosis in a way I never could have imagined. And only the adorably ineffective Tylenol is safe. Universe: 1, Maddy: 1 (baby). It’s the type of pain that sends your brain into a total fog. So, if I twist my body in ridiculous ways and bite my arm while repeating everything you say as you say it, it’s just me trying to comprehend the words that came out of your mouth. I’m really trying. I promise. Don’t get mad when I say, “Wait, what?” for the fourth time.
I don’t feel like I need to defend myself, but if you ever doubted me, you can look at our rigged apartment: Heating pad on the couch, creepy U-shaped pillow on the bed, nothing too important above or below my reach, cold packs in the freezer, acetaminophen within arm’s reach of all comfy sitting places. It’s a mess. I actually feel like my space might be cleaner when I have a newborn.
My other biggest symptom is even harder to make fun of: acid reflux. I guess you could just consider it part of the overall humor of pregnancy that in the few short months left where my living space is quiet all night long, I still wake myself up, grasping in the dark for Tums, choking and coughing on the acid from my stomach, thinking, “Oh, it’s funny because I won’t watch horror films after I have kids, so this is what God gives us instead!” I’m just cheating the system, though, because I never watched horror films before. HA! Universe: 1, Maddy: 2. Perhaps the greatest irony here is that chocolate is the No. 1 thing my midwife told me to avoid for it. *pops a few Reese’s Pieces* *keeps complaining to poor, supportive, wonderful husband*
I’ve also started having this one rib pop out if I move a certain way. At first, it would pop maybe once a day. Now, it moves if I shift on the couch at all. Haaaaa, this is fun. It hurts, though, so it leaves me saying, “Ow. Ow. Ow.” And it probably makes my poor, dear husband think, “Freaking. Shut. Up” but actually say “You okay? You good? Aww.” If any of you pregnant peeps are dissatisfied with the sympathy you’re receiving from your partner, Garret could probably teach them a thing or two, and he is looking for a job right now, so email me if you have a 401K matching program.
I’m not even sure what my motivation was in writing this. I think it started with just making fun of myself, devolved into self-pity, and finally arrived at documenting this struggle so I can show Evie when we have a fight and she asks me what I ever did for her. (That would be SUCH a Mom Move.)
I guess what I’ve been trying to say is that I am doing well, despite not feeling well. Our little family is awesome. We’re stressed out, and Garret is working harder than any human should have to, and Evie is practicing acrobatics and acting healthy, and I am lying at home eating vitamins and supplements. We are happy and thankful and very much amused at life. And that is good. Happy Easter!
*this is not true; you wake up anyway